Power of Tension Blogfest

For Wednesday writing, I’m taking part in the Power of Tension Blogfest.

Here’s what the host Rachel Morgan wants bloggers to do:

Give us an excerpt (up to 300 words) from your manuscript or recently completed work (or just a random scene) that just drips with tension and will tie us up in knots wanting to know more. It doesn’t matter what the piece is about, as long as it screams tension.

The following is my entry, and since the blogfest asks for a warning, I’d give this an M18 for violence. You’ve been warned!

You can participate till the 27th, go Here to find out how.

I mean to kill. I know it is only a matter of time today, I’ve chosen my spot well.

A man on the hospital escalator going down watches a woman on her way up. A staircase separates the two escalators, perhaps for busy doctors who can’t get enough cardio into their week. The man turns, raises his head to gaze at her trim little figure. She does not notice him watching her, nor does he know  I hold him in my sight.

They’re not who I’m after, my finger on the trigger, in an unused office in the opposite building.

But they are rather like the couple I’m waiting for, a doctor and his erstwhile nurse. They were busy screwing the brains out of each other as my boy lay dying. I found them, but by then it was too late.

They will come in soon, and the doctor will take the stairs along with his two-year-old son. Both the parents are blond, so chances are the son will be too. Two blond heads and a small, soft one in between.

Through my scope, each hair of that boy’s head will be visible, down to the pinkish bald spot on the downy little head.

With no warning, that head will spatter on his parent’s sleeves, their legs, shoes. They will smell blood, steel, death, loss.

My pistol sits ready beside my sniper kit, for I have another spatter to create. Wonder how it’ll look on this cream wall behind me.

The last four years I’ve lived for this day—this one will be for you, my boy. Wherever you are, I hope you’ll be watching.


I love comments, and I always visit back. Blogging is all about being a part of a community, and communities are about communication! Tweet me up @damyantig !

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Add Yours
  1. thewildpomegranate

    Very intense! Reminds me quite a bit of the final episode of Grey's Anatomy a couple years ago, except it was the shooters' wife that had died and he took out people all over the hospital!

  2. rachelrussell

    I LOVED this entry. I'm only sad that I hadn't read this until you just made the finalists.

    I voted for you. Definitely my all-time favorite, this one.

  3. Cally Jackson

    Congratulations – you're a finalist in the Power of Tension Blogfest! We're letting the public choose the winner so make sure you let your readers/subscribers/ followers know to vote for you! 🙂

  4. Susanna Leonard Hill

    Oh, wow. Very powerful and full of tension. And well done creating a character for whom you feel sympathy even though he's about to do something truly awful. Great job!

  5. Damyanti

    Thanks everyone, for your wonderful comments.

    Scheherazade, thanks for pointing out the repeat word, have changed one of the words now.

  6. Scheherazade

    Great writing, but definitely dark. I would stick with this story to find out more about the MC.

    I would find an alternative for the word "screws" in the 2nd paragraph because you use the word "screwing" in the 4th paragraph. That's an important verb here and there shouldn't be any other uses of the word to distract from it.

  7. Rachel Morgan

    Hectic! Wow! Can sense the pain your MC is feeling…
    I'm no expert but where you've used "would" I'd replace that with "will".
    Thanks for entering 🙂

  8. Trisha

    Holy wow – that's full on!! In a good way of course! Love the description of the other people around, the ones who aren't the targets. Time seems to be moving slowly, though I think you could probably emphasise that even more. Each moment ticking loudly away.

  9. J.C. Martin

    Oh wow. This works fantastically as a standalone piece of flash fiction. Definitely intense! Fantastic work, this is one of my fave entries!

  10. Brenda Drake

    This is so painful and sad and scary. I like to think that beyond this scene that this man won't be able to shoot that child because his will touch his heart. Please don't tell me if that's not how this scene ends. I can't bare it. Excellent tension! 😀

  11. lissawrites

    Wowser. That was like being in a fistfight with your words – sucker-punched with the opening line and then kicked while we're down with the last. The tension was nicely crafted in this as well: I felt the stakes were very high. Well done!