Friendship has been a complex part of my life. I grew up being told that I was to be wary not just of strangers but also of friends. If I hung out too much with other girls or boys, I was likely to turn out ‘spoiled’.
At school I was a skinny little nerd with oily hair, nose in the book, and but of course, a natural case of terrible social anxiety. My family taught me what they knew–my father, and my aunt who lived with us, had a traumatic upbringing. My mother, who was less cloistered as a person, had very little say in raising me.
So, I had tons of book friends and rarely any real ones. The few school mates I speak to today are friendships formed as adults, when the Facebook wave led to a ton of re-connections.
In college, I fared no better–always the odd one out. The few friends I made was all thanks to the hostel I lived in–where, at a time with not very much TV and no internet in India, we got by with entertaining each other. Some of those bonds have remained, and even though a majority of those friendships were fraught, a straggling few folks got to know me, and I, them.
My social anxiety which made me swing wildly between being a people-pleaser and a hellion earned me few friends as an adult. I recently reconnected with one friend from my fashion school, and haven’t had many from my brief professional non-writing life.
The writing life brought blog friends–and while I’ve only met most of you online, these friendships have seemed like some of the most meaningful. Perhaps that’s because physical distance made me feel safe, and willing to share of myself.
Now that I’m at an age when making new friends seems impossible and almost too much of an effort, I hold on to the few scattered offline friendships, and as many of the online relationships as I can. It could be argued that all the love I receive online from friends is at a surface level–maybe therelationships wouldn’t work out if we met.
Some of these friendships have lasted over a decade though, and I like that these friends have stood by me online, just like I’ve tried to stand by them.
I’ve learned that all friendships may not be equal, but they are all equally important (to me). Each friend plays a particular role in your life’s journey, and sees a part of you that others may not. For me, friendship is about sharing: your joys and sorrows, your opinions, your blessings. It is also about being there for your friend–giving more than you receive.
To add to that, I now know that just because a friendship did not last doesn’t mean it didn’t have value. I do have a childhood friend or two who have drifted completely away, some close friends in college who are no longer close. I have a few writing friends who were once my everyday buddies, but now are not. The value those friendships brought into my life isn’t lessened by the lack of longevity of those relationships. They were an important support system at the time, and I can only I hope I brought them some meaning and support as well. We attract to our lives those we need and cherish, and sometimes that passes. That’s not always a bad thing.
A lot is spoken of when it comes to dating and similar relationships: like marriage or friends with benefits etc, but friendship doesn’t get as much airtime. I find friendships tricky to navigate, and am always looking for advice on how to be a valuable, loving friend–most of my own recourse is to just try and remain honest, lower my expectations, and be the best version of myself.
(I’m dictating this, because that’s really all I can do this week. This will be a scheduled post. I’m on a health-break, y’all, and need all the healing wishes.)
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What are your thoughts on friendship? What should a good friendship be like? Are blogging friendships real to you? How long have we known each other?
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This is really good, really painful stuff. My experiences are similar to yours. Atypical, distrustful family but I was the fat kid with too-short hair and clothes approaching no “style” that was ever in fashion. We moved a lot which added to my shyness. As an adult, I think (in this country anyway) that we presume too much of friendship. Too many people assume that because they share a job, education, or simply know someone’s name that makes them friends.
I support fellow writers. I encourage other creatives. I converse (online, where it’s safe) but I don’t “do” IRL friendship. It’s just too dangerous emotionally. Upside, it’s all GREAT fuel for writing.
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable story, Elias, I truly appreciate it. I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I understand where you’re coming from — online friendships can be an emotional minefield, especially when it’s difficult to determine how well you really know someone. I’ve also heard quite a few horror stories about online friendships going wrong. I must confess that I find myself one of the lucky ones, though. Thankfully I haven’t had many bad experiences, and most of the online friends I have are absolutely wonderful and I’m so grateful to technology for helping connect me to them.
Healing vibes, Damyanti! You’re so right about friendship not receiving as much analysis/airtime on the page or anywhere else. I just ran across Lily Dancyger’s new book, FIRST LOVE: ESSAYS ON FRIENDSHIP, which sounds great. I’ll let you know!
Thank you so much, Rebecca! That sounds wonderful, I hope you enjoy it! Fingers crossed that I’ll be able to add to my TBR, too.
Friendship is indeed complex. I have a personality that doesn’t require a lot of close friendships – I live a lot of my life in my head and on the pages. Between my family and a couple of close friends (some of those online), I am content. Sending you healing vibes – take care of you, my friend!!
I know how you feel! I love the friends that I do have, and I appreciate how much easier it is to interact and maintain close connections when I have only a few to keep up with. Thank you for the kind words — wishing you all the best, my friend!
Friendship can be any connection where two or more touch hearts or minds in a giving way. When I read your Facebook post this morning I immediately thought of you as a friend as you’ve opened my world a bit further than if I’d never met you. While our touch points have waxed and waned, with you stepping away from one of your google writer’s connect groups and me sailing halfway around the world, I can still remember the rush I felt when I noticed you published your book and again when I read your first masterpiece. I was delighted at your determination, perseverance and most of all success of achievement. As a sailor I’ve met people around the world who have come and gone from my life, yet when their memory lingers in my heart I think of them as my friend. I think of you that way.
Your words mean the world to me, and I’m so honored that you think of me that way. Thank you for this beautiful, beautiful comment. It made my day and touched my heart. I love your definition of friendship, and I’ll be carrying that sentence with me for many years to come. It’s amazing to think how connections can be rekindled, regardless of the time or distance which may separate people, and how our lives can take us through countless new places and experiences while refusing to let some friendships fade completely. I’m so grateful that you have continued to support me and root for me, and I hope you know that I always wish you the best and am sending you all the positive energy and good vibes that I can muster. Thank you for being here, my friend.
Thank you for this post. I, too, feel that many of my friendships would not work if I were to meet those people in real-time. Over the last seven years, I’ve changed a lot. I met you online in this period when I was evolving. Your ‘YBYS’ is almost as special to me as it is to you 🙂 I must start using the text-to-speech app, too.
You’ve been an amazing source of support Aishwarya, and I’ve watched you grow over the years–here’s wishing you all the best. I’ve fallen behind on everything, so text-to-speech app is a way to catch up. And thanks so much on the kind words on YBYS. It means the world.
Get well soon, Damyanti! And you can never be too old to make new friends.
I really do hope so. I was never great at making friends even when young.
Remember, doing nothing is still doing something… depends on how you look at it…I think this post resonates with many people who feel as we do. The perfect point was “if I didn’t have the space to think, breathe, and settle into the silence…of being myself.’ Because that’s exactly what it’s about.
Exactly. That’s what it’s about.
Friendships to me are things that I know I really should have, but have never managed to develop. I’m not really a social animal; I find human interaction stressful. And I’ve had so many other things in my life to concentrate on (particularly playing, writing and recording music, and writing) that I’ve never had time to devote to making friends. As I get older (I’ve just turned 60), I feel more need to develop friendships, but my limited attempts have failed. I look for like-minded people, but I don’t think there are many people with minds like mine! You need something to talk about. I don’t follow football or watch reality TV; I hate pop music, and I didn’t want the UK to leave the European Union. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places! ;¬]
That definitely could be! Building friendships is difficult, I completely agree, but I also absolutely believe that there is a community out there which can offer the idea of friendship that you’re looking for. Your hobbies and talents might be something to establish as a common topic of interest or a binding rope to create new connections — they would make for fascinating topics of conversation!
For me, as I age into the final phase of my life, I find I need less of those connections… Choosing to not get married and have kids made making friends more tricky. I also discovered an affinity for alone time. Greater freedoms (travel, work, networking, etc ) are the (not necessarily better) trade-off for social connections made when you’re a couple and/or with kids. But no regrets. I can enjoy the free time to ponder the great mysteries of the Universe and where I fit in. Being alone is a physical state; loneliness is a state of mind. I admit I feel lonely occasionally, when I need to share something and realize that my desire for solitude hasn’t made much room for those relationships that must be tended like a little garden. I struggle with finding a balance between the two. Thanks for the honesty.
And thank you for yours, and for sharing such vulnerable insights into your life. Your comment is one which resonates deeply with me, and the way you’ve worded your thoughts and experiences is so beautiful. Alone time is undoubtedly important — I think I would go a little mad if I didn’t have the space to think, breathe, and settle into the silence and stillness of being by myself. Admittedly, even the designated rest and relaxation time is usually spent stressing over everything I have to do, but I am working on becoming comfortable doing absolutely nothing. And pondering the Universe’s mysteries sounds like a wonderful way to get a little bit of introspection done. I hope the loneliness eases up, and that everything settles itself into the state of balance you’re looking for! Wishing you all the best.
The only comment I’ll make is that I’m far older than you, Damyanti, but I’ve still made good friends in recent years. You’re never too old!
You’re absolutely right — it’s never too late to make lasting friendships and learn how to be a good friend.
Definitely. I’m sure you’ll manage that. You write that you should ‘just try and remain honest, lower my expectations, and be the best version of myself’ and I agree except I’d change ‘lower my expectations’ to ‘not be judgemental’. But you may be doing all this already, and you’re a good friend to us all on our blogs, already.